What would happen if King Charles and Queen Camilla decided they had finally had enough of Britain?
Enough of the rain. Enough of royal engagements. Enough of being told where to stand, when to wave and how long to look interested at a ribbon-cutting ceremony.
They could do what another famous royal couple did and head across the Atlantic.
But there is one rather important question.
What would Charles and Camilla actually do in America?
Harry and Meghan have already established themselves in the lucrative world of Netflix deals, podcasts, memoirs, public speaking and generally turning royal life into a very successful cottage industry.
So Charles and Camilla would need to find their own lane.
Here are five jobs that could transform the King and Queen into America’s newest unlikely power couple.
1. Charles: Celebrity (organic) Gardener
Let’s be honest.
Charles has been waiting decades for this moment. He waited even longer to be King, and look how stressful that has been? Talking to his plants is his safe space, his happy place..
Forget the Crown. Give the man a pair of gardening gloves.
He could launch a Californian gardening empire called King Charles’ Royal Roots.
Every episode would begin with Charles staring intensely at a shrub.
“This is an extremely important plant.”
Then we’d get 45 minutes on compost.
There could be a Netflix series, naturally.
The Crown and the Compost.
Charles could teach Americans how to grow organic vegetables while Camilla wanders into shot complaining that he’s spent too much money on manure.
Within months he’d have his own range of £75 gardening gloves and a $300 “sustainable royal trowel”.
Harry and Meghan have Netflix.
Charles gets Gardenflix.
2. Camilla: America’s Queen of (murder)Book Clubs
Camilla could become America’s most powerful literary influencer.
Forget celebrity book clubs.
This would be The Queen’s Book Club.
Hollywood stars would gather in a mansion in Montecito, sip something organic and discuss a 400-page novel.
The only problem?
Half of them wouldn’t have read it.
Camilla would know.
She’d sit there quietly, sipping her tea, waiting for someone to say: “I absolutely loved chapter seven.”
“Really?” she’d reply.
“It wasn’t in the book.”
Silence.
Then Camilla murders the lying bookworms. Not sure even Richard Osman would get away with that storyline.
3. Charles: Corporate Guru
America loves a motivational speaker,
So why not King Charles?
He could fly around the country telling billionaires how to save the planet.
For $250,000, Charles would walk onto a stage and say:
“We must all do our part.”
Then he’d stare meaningfully at a PowerPoint slide featuring a picture of a tree.
Twenty minutes later, everyone would be applauding.
Another 20 minutes later, Charles would be photographed leaving in a large black car.
But that’s showbusiness.
Harry and Meghan have been talking about finding purpose.
Charles could monetise the entire concept.
Purpose by Appointment.
One hour with Charles: $100,000.
Two hours: $175,000.
Three hours: frankly, nobody has three hours.
4. Camilla: Hollywood’s Royal Casting Director
Camilla could become the most feared woman in Hollywood.
Her speciality?
Historical dramas.
An actor walks in.
“Very good,” she says.
“You look almost Tudor.”
Almost.
Rejected.
Next.
Eventually Hollywood would be filled with actors desperately trying to impress Camilla.
“Can you ride a horse?”
“Yes.”
“Play polo?”
“Yes.”
“Read a 17th-century letter without looking confused?”
“Absolutely.”
“Good. You’re a tree.”
Camilla’s first casting decision.
A £100 million Netflix series about Henry VIII.
The King only gets a walk-on part.
Charles is furious.
5. Charles and Camilla: Only Fans
And finally, the big one, no we are joking about Only Fans, it is a family website. We meant royal influencers only fans of them would love.
The Sussexes have podcasts. Charles and Camilla could have a podcast.
Imagine the possibilities.
Tea, Trees & Trouble: The Royal Podcast.
Charles talks about the environment.
Camilla talks about books.
Occasionally they discuss what it is like living in America.
Charles: “I find Los Angeles rather dry.”
Camilla: “You said that about Arizona.”
Charles: “Arizona was extremely dry.”
Millions of downloads.
Then come the sponsorship deals.
A luxury British tea brand.
Organic gardening equipment.
Country clothing.
Dog food.
Maybe even a royal wellness range.
Camilla’s Duchess of Relaxation Candle.
£49.99.
It smells faintly of a country house and unresolved constitutional issues.
And why stop there?
They could launch a lifestyle brand.
The Royal Sussex—sorry, California—Collection.
Charles gets gardening aprons.
Camilla gets book bags.
There is a commemorative mug.
And, naturally, a limited-edition royal compost bin.
Suddenly they’re everywhere.
Morning TV.
Chat shows.
Podcasts.
Netflix.
Amazon.
Instagram.
TikTok.
Charles attempting a dance challenge.
Camilla telling him to stop.
The possibilities are endless.
Of course, there is one slight problem.
America already has a British royal couple.
And Harry and Meghan have spent years establishing their own American brand.
So Charles and Camilla would have to find a way of standing out.
Perhaps the answer is simple.
Don’t compete with them.
Do something completely different.
Harry and Meghan can have Hollywood.
Charles can have the garden centre.
Harry can have Netflix.
Charles can have a gardening channel.
Meghan can have lifestyle products.
Camilla can have a book club.
And while everyone else is worrying about the latest royal documentary, Charles could quietly be in California planting tomatoes.
Perhaps that’s the real secret to escaping the royal drama.
Get a greenhouse.
Turn off the cameras.
And grow something.
Preferably something that doesn’t require a Netflix contract.